I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
