Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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