Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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