I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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