for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
