True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
