just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
