you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
