We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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