i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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