they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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