Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So here I am, sexting at work.
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