You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
