I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
