Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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