You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Randomize
