I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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