I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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