i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
