I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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