can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
