He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
