Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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