The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
