They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
