you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
