I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
