The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
