apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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