so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
