this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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