SEEEEXXX PLEASE
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
