So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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