More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
