So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
