I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
