he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
