I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
