i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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