I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
