I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
