Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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