I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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