Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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