Don't you send me to vm
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
