Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
