Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
