I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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