ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just took my morning after pill in the library
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i think my cat just said my name.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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