Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
