bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
