Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she told me i tasted like america
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Also, beer. Big fan.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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