Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
