best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize