grandma shit on top of the toilet
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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