the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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