You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
