I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
